Trash or Save?

When Found Objects Bring Up Complicated Feelings

Photo by Adam Winger on Unsplash

The Brown Zippered Bag

I don't remember where the plastic leather zippered pouch came from nor do I remember when it came into my life. One day, many years ago, it became where the flash keys gathered. In the past, attending an education conference meant the materials would be loaded on the drive so they didn't have to be emailed. Some large files, videos, especially from Teach Like A Champion, made them too large to email. This was before shared drives were a thing.

There are flash keys that are full of documents from grad school. Several contain evaluations of me and the programs I was involved in when I was a teacher coach. Educator and teacher coach are two of many identities that make me who I am today but seem like ghosts now.

This bag of fading technology is a glimpse into a life lived by me so long ago that it feels like another lifetime. Trite, but true. Luckily, this computer I have now has a port for the drives. I know as the technology gets more advanced this option will become rare. It is a comfort that I have a window to look at these memories.

I have done a lot professionally. I was relentlessly dedicated to students, education, and thinking. I have evidence of outcomes in the form of grant applications, program and event photos, student evidence, presentations for school level, district level, and national venues. There is evidence of recognition with awards, articles, and letters.

But as I loaded documents into my Google drive and reread these pieces of the past, I was sad. Some documents even made me angry.

Do I miss the person I used to be? The educator all these files represent? Maybe. But I know that I am still that person. Just because I accomplished these things years ago doesn't make me any less of who I am. It is all part of the footprints I have left.

Personally, there are many times that were full of struggles which affected my emotions. I am the type of person who cuts off emotions from things that hurt. It probably is not the best tactic, but it is the honest one. To think about memories causes me to relive them. I feel it in my body as well as my mind and it can be overwhelming and painful. Looking back pulls on my heart.

I am in a place now where I finally feel like I do not want to be somewhere other than where I am standing. I have had glimpses of this in my life, especially over the last several years but now it feels like 100% of the time.

Overall, I am glad I have those documents. As I comb through all that is in that little brown pouch I will delete a lot of it. I simply don't need them anymore. I will honor the part they played in my life and make the decision of which bucket to place them in. But I still have to decide whether to Trash or Save.